1
00:00:01,740 --> 00:00:05,222
♪♪ [theme]

2
00:00:50,485 --> 00:00:54,924
31, 35, 40,

3
00:00:54,967 --> 00:00:59,494
45, 50, 55,

4
00:00:59,537 --> 00:01:03,324
60, 65, 70,

5
00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:05,413
7-- 71.

6
00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:07,589
-71. Beat that.
-Aw, 71.

7
00:01:07,632 --> 00:01:10,331
-Come on. Beat it.
-That's nothin'.
You watch this.

8
00:01:10,374 --> 00:01:14,248
-Ready? One.
-[laughing]

9
00:01:16,032 --> 00:01:19,122
What'd you do,
change balls on me?

10
00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:21,864
-What's the announcement, Radar?
-It's a lecture.

11
00:01:21,907 --> 00:01:24,693
Colonel Blake's gonna tell us
everything he knows about sex.

12
00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:27,304
That should be an
enjoyable 60 seconds.

13
00:01:27,348 --> 00:01:29,263
Look at this. No eyes.

14
00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:34,398
[ball continues bouncing]

15
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:36,487
Good afternoon, men.
[clears throat]

16
00:01:36,531 --> 00:01:39,664
Now, first of all, let me
thank all of you in advance

17
00:01:39,708 --> 00:01:42,972
for what I know
will be your full
and undivided attention.

18
00:01:43,015 --> 00:01:46,323
-[imitating snoring]
-[laughing]

19
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:50,893
The topic for today has
to do with the subject of sex.

20
00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:53,156
[all cheering]

21
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All right, all right.
Now let's not go gaga.

22
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Sex happens to be one of the
most important things in life

23
00:01:59,945 --> 00:02:02,687
inasmuch as each one of us is
one or the other gender of it

24
00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:05,647
once we're born, which is the
direct result of the act of it.

25
00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:06,952
Sir?

26
00:02:06,996 --> 00:02:10,739
Uh, we'll have questions
after the lecture.

27
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What about answers?

28
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I was just wondering,
should I roll down the flaps
so the nurses don't hear?

29
00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:20,270
Radar, all the nurses
have heard about sex.

30
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-I know I've been
spreading the word.
-Shut your face!

31
00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:25,623
-Kiss me.
-HENRY: Okay, now.

32
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:28,844
Uh, the aspect of today's
subject that I'm going
to delve on

33
00:02:28,887 --> 00:02:31,716
is the U.S. Army's
contribution to birth control.

34
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I knew they were gonna
ask for contributions.

35
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I gave at the office.

36
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Uh, now each of us here
knows why, uh...

37
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he is in Korea.

38
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HENRY:
Major Burns.

39
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We are here to stem
the red tide,

40
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to finish up the Commies
once and for all.

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Anyone with half a mind knows,
as I do, that, after Germany,

42
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we should've knocked out
the Russkies,
then clobbered the Chinese

43
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before they forced
Chiang Kai-shek
and his very beautiful wife

44
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off the mainland.

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To which I, for one, say
they should be unleashed

46
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so that they can liberate
the real Chinese people

47
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and restore the government
that America's paid

48
00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:09,798
so many millions of
dollars to help get.

49
00:03:09,841 --> 00:03:14,368
Sir. I thought the
lecture was on sex.

50
00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:17,022
I didn't iron my
dress to talk politics.

51
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-Sit down, Klinger.
-Now listen, Corporal!

52
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You, too, Frank.

53
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Now, we're in Korea
by order of the U.N.,

54
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along with 17 other nations,

55
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to try to stabilize this country
politically and militarily.

56
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We are not here
to add to the population.

57
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The one thing they don't need
in Asia is more Asians.

58
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Many of you have heard me
speak on reproduction and V.D.

59
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I've got both
your albums.

60
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But today's subject
is much more important.

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Now, this country
is on its can.

62
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There's not enough food,
housing, schools.

63
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You name it,
they haven't got it.

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So don't add to its problems.

65
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Now, uh, when you're
shipped home,

66
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just make sure that you don't
leave any little time bombs

67
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that are gonna go
off nine months later.

68
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[chuckling]
Now, I know you're only human.

69
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Present company
excepted.

70
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We don't expect you
to behave like monks.

71
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The army just wants
you to be careful

72
00:04:14,602 --> 00:04:17,344
so that you don't leave
behind any little "monklets."

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[laughing]

74
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MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

75
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See the bulletin board
for details on the payroll
savings plan.

76
00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:29,225
Buy a bond
for 25, 50 or 100.

77
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:33,011
Bet America
to win, place or show.

78
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Come on. Don't be slackers.
Join in. Sign up.

79
00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:37,842
-I forgot my name.
-Amnesia.

80
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Happens every time somebody
wants me to invest in a war.

81
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Well, bullets cost bucks,
mister.

82
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I'd like that tattooed
on my thigh.

83
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You're both a blemish on
the record of this unit.

84
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I'm gonna do something to get
rid of the blemishes tonight.

85
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Uh, ach, du lieber.

86
00:04:52,466 --> 00:04:54,772
You get the feeling
Frank's one war behind?

87
00:04:54,816 --> 00:04:56,992
Did you see
this announcement?

88
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[mumbling, indistinct]

89
00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:01,736
-[knocking]
-Frank? You alone?

90
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Where are they?

91
00:05:07,176 --> 00:05:09,744
Oh, they said something
about nurse molesting.

92
00:05:09,787 --> 00:05:13,269
-I want to see you.
-I have a headache, Margaret.

93
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,358
No, no.

94
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:17,578
I have a favor
to ask of you.

95
00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:21,495
Oh, anything, darling.
You know that.

96
00:05:21,538 --> 00:05:24,106
My sister's
getting married.

97
00:05:24,149 --> 00:05:27,109
My younger sister
is getting married.

98
00:05:28,632 --> 00:05:30,982
And she's
only a captain.

99
00:05:31,026 --> 00:05:33,637
Oh, marriage isn't all
that it's cracked up to be.

100
00:05:33,681 --> 00:05:35,726
Let me tell you, honestly.

101
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:38,686
No. Marriage is probably
the chief cause of divorce.

102
00:05:40,905 --> 00:05:44,300
I want to borrow $240
for a wedding present.

103
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,911
It's key money
for an apartment.

104
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-Two hundred and--
-And $40.

105
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Surely I'm worth $240.

106
00:05:55,398 --> 00:05:58,619
-Frank?
-Every penny.

107
00:05:58,662 --> 00:06:03,058
But I wish I could.
I really do, but--

108
00:06:03,101 --> 00:06:05,277
But all your money's
tied up in wealth, right?

109
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Oh, those are just bonds.

110
00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:09,412
You've bought enough to
start your own country.

111
00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:10,500
Shh!

112
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I just wanna borrow $240.

113
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:15,026
But don't you
have the money, Margaret?

114
00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:17,420
Dear? Didn't your dad
leave you a bit?

115
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,772
Mother drank it.

116
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Half my salary goes
toward drying her out

117
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and the other half
for bail.

118
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Bail?

119
00:06:29,693 --> 00:06:33,741
When she's sober...
she's a klepto.

120
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She was caught in
a store last week

121
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stuffing a radio
up her jumper.

122
00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:41,966
-Frank?
-Uh-huh.

123
00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:45,709
Uh-huh.

124
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:48,495
Mm-hmm.

125
00:06:48,538 --> 00:06:51,541
I just can't do it, Margaret.
It rubs against the grain.

126
00:06:51,585 --> 00:06:54,936
"Neither a lender
nor a borrower be." Polonius.

127
00:06:57,504 --> 00:07:01,899
"To give and not
count the cost."
St. Ignatius Loyola.

128
00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:04,641
"The holy passion of
friendship is of so sweet

129
00:07:04,685 --> 00:07:07,470
"and steady and loyal
and enduring a nature

130
00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:09,516
"that it will last
throughout a whole lifetime

131
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if not asked to lend money."
Mark Twain.

132
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"Blow it out your ear!"
Margaret Houlihan.

133
00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:25,053
The morale officer
would like to remind
all personnel

134
00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:27,185
not to be "negilgent"--
[chuckles]

135
00:07:27,229 --> 00:07:30,362
...negligent about writing
to the folks back home.

136
00:07:30,406 --> 00:07:32,016
Remember, you gotta
write 'em to get 'em.

137
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:33,278
♪♪ [phonograph, sentimental]

138
00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:34,758
[thinking]
Dear Becky...

139
00:07:34,802 --> 00:07:36,673
I hope you had
a nice birthday party.

140
00:07:36,717 --> 00:07:39,241
I'd have given
anything to be there.

141
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:43,027
In your last letter,
you said I never really
tell you what I'm doing.

142
00:07:43,071 --> 00:07:44,812
Well, now that
you're all of seven

143
00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:47,423
I'll try to describe
what it's like over here.

144
00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:51,601
First of all,
I live in a tent

145
00:07:51,645 --> 00:07:53,603
which is kind of
old and smelly,

146
00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:54,952
which I share
with two doctors

147
00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:56,519
who are young and smelly.

148
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,565
One is Hawkeye Pierce.
He's a good egg,

149
00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:01,176
but just a little grumpy
when it comes to waking up.

150
00:08:01,219 --> 00:08:04,179
Come on. Everybody up.
Rise and shine!

151
00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:06,921
-Hawk?
-I'm up!

152
00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:09,793
Get up on your feet up.

153
00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:11,012
[sighs] Korea?
The war still?

154
00:08:11,055 --> 00:08:12,840
Right.

155
00:08:12,883 --> 00:08:15,625
What's to get up?
I left a call for
half past peace.

156
00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:18,323
Night shift.
Come on. Let's go. Up.

157
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,508
Wait! Wait!
Wait a minute!

158
00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:32,599
Why are we wasting
this on each other for?

159
00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:37,168
TRAPPER [thinking]:
Major Burns is Daddy's
other tent mate,

160
00:08:37,212 --> 00:08:39,214
sort of like a substitute
teacher that stays all year.

161
00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:43,044
Like us, he's here to patch
up the soldiers as best we can.

162
00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:45,263
They don't ever seem
to stop coming.

163
00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:48,571
It's very routine work,
except once in a while
like last December.

164
00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:50,530
HENRY:
Put him to sleep.

165
00:08:51,966 --> 00:08:54,316
-Colonel.
-Yo.

166
00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:56,405
His feet, sir.

167
00:08:56,448 --> 00:08:58,189
Oh, God.
More frost?

168
00:08:58,233 --> 00:09:00,148
Three toes, at least.

169
00:09:00,191 --> 00:09:01,410
When the hell
is the army

170
00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:03,543
gonna develop
a boot that works?

171
00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:06,023
I'm almost
finished, Frank.

172
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,677
You want to
turn down that gas

173
00:09:07,721 --> 00:09:09,549
before this private floats
to the top of the room?

174
00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:11,463
-[gas flow stops]
-Okay, sir.

175
00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:12,987
Thanks for the break.
I'll take over.

176
00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:15,163
Okay, pressure
and pulse are stable.

177
00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:17,252
Why don't you check
the other tables, Frank?

178
00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:19,689
-Maybe somebody left a tip.
-Aw, baloney!

179
00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:21,778
-RADAR: Major Burns!
-Yeah. What is it?

180
00:09:21,822 --> 00:09:24,738
Chopper plucked
him off a minefield.
He was there all night.

181
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:31,571
Get this body
outta here, P.D.Q.

182
00:09:31,614 --> 00:09:33,529
He's dead, sir?

183
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:34,791
Of course.
Froze to death.

184
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:36,140
-Let's go.
-Okay.

185
00:09:39,535 --> 00:09:42,538
-Hold it. What do you got?
-Deceased, Mclntyre.
I checked it.

186
00:09:44,975 --> 00:09:47,021
Are you "deef"?
I said "deceased."

187
00:09:47,064 --> 00:09:49,371
Kaput. No pulse,
no heartbeat.

188
00:09:49,414 --> 00:09:51,286
Okay.
Come on, take him back.

189
00:09:51,329 --> 00:09:53,288
-Let's go.
-Ooh!

190
00:09:53,331 --> 00:09:55,551
-Come on!
-We might be able
to save this guy.

191
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,901
Uh, get me a cut-down tray

192
00:09:57,945 --> 00:09:59,990
and four units
of O-negative blood.

193
00:10:00,034 --> 00:10:02,602
-You get a pulse?
-Not in the arm.

194
00:10:02,645 --> 00:10:03,907
Like I said.

195
00:10:03,951 --> 00:10:05,822
Come on,
cut the shirt. Let's go.

196
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,176
Frank,
his extremities are frozen.

197
00:10:12,220 --> 00:10:14,135
You didn't check
the carotid.

198
00:10:14,178 --> 00:10:16,311
You ever hear
of hypothermia?

199
00:10:16,354 --> 00:10:17,617
He only knows what's condensed
in Reader's Digest.

200
00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:19,836
You get anything?

201
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:24,232
A faint beat.
Where's the, uh-- Oh, great.

202
00:10:24,275 --> 00:10:27,191
Frank, hypothermia is a state
of reduced body temperature

203
00:10:27,235 --> 00:10:29,324
-slowing down all functions.
-I knew that.

204
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:32,588
Get me some blankets
and a prep tray.

205
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,851
-Frank, you prep.
-Right.

206
00:10:34,895 --> 00:10:37,854
This guy thaws out,
he's liable to start bleeding.

207
00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:39,769
What happened, Radar?

208
00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:42,511
He was in a minefield
all night long.

209
00:10:42,554 --> 00:10:44,774
He's a lucky fella.

210
00:10:44,818 --> 00:10:47,516
If this had been summer,
he would've bled to death.

211
00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:50,084
[thinking]
That's it for now, baby.

212
00:10:50,127 --> 00:10:53,783
I'd like to be able to tell
you when I'm coming home.

213
00:10:53,827 --> 00:10:56,656
-[record sticking]
-But, for a while now,
all I can do is stay here

214
00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:58,832
and make the best of it.

215
00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:04,054
-♪♪[music stops]
-[phonograph grinds on]

216
00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:10,495
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

217
00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:12,454
Tonight's movie is a holdover
from last week

218
00:11:12,497 --> 00:11:14,499
and will be shown
right after supper

219
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,111
which is also a holdover
from last week.

220
00:11:17,154 --> 00:11:19,200
-[tapping]
-♪ Nya nya nya
nya nya nya nya ♪

221
00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:21,115
♪ Nya nya nya
nya nya nya nya ♪

222
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:23,726
♪ Nya nya nya
nya nya nya nya ♪

223
00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:25,902
-[audience chattering]
-KLINGER: Down in front.

224
00:11:25,946 --> 00:11:26,990
[singing, tapping continue]

225
00:11:27,034 --> 00:11:29,297
-Out of the way.
-Sit down, Rob.

226
00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:31,125
I'm glad we finally got
a new film.

227
00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:34,041
Sure beats Twelve Ways
to Infiltrate a Nazi Bunker.

228
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:35,999
You wanna remove
your hat, lady?

229
00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:38,001
How would you like me
to remove your teeth?

230
00:11:38,045 --> 00:11:40,830
-[people chattering]
-Sit down, or I'll
make you eat your bra.

231
00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:43,572
-I only dress like this
to get outta the army.
-[people shushing]

232
00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:46,053
You're too pretty.
They'll never let you go.

233
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:48,142
I'd like some popcorn,
please.

234
00:11:48,185 --> 00:11:53,016
-♪♪ [continues]
-[tap dancing continues]

235
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:56,324
-Excuse me, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
-Just get by.

236
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:59,327
Excuse me. I'm sorry.

237
00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:01,808
-[tap dancing]
-ROBINSON: Hey.

238
00:12:01,851 --> 00:12:03,287
TEMPLE: Hey!

239
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:06,116
-ROBINSON: Hey! Hey!
-TEMPLE: Hey!

240
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,205
♪♪ [continues]

241
00:12:08,249 --> 00:12:10,381
Have I missed much?

242
00:12:10,425 --> 00:12:11,948
The Civil War started.

243
00:12:11,992 --> 00:12:14,342
Don't tell him
how it ends.

244
00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:16,648
♪ Nya nya nya
nya nya nya nya ♪

245
00:12:16,692 --> 00:12:18,781
♪ Nya nya nya
nya nya nya nya ♪

246
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:21,001
♪ Nya nya nya
nya nya nya nya ♪

247
00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:23,046
♪ Nya nya nya
nya nya nya nya ♪

248
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:25,483
I've got a bleeder
in post-op,

249
00:12:25,527 --> 00:12:27,442
an 18-year-old kid.

250
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:31,402
Hi.

251
00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:38,453
Watch your hands.

252
00:12:38,496 --> 00:12:40,281
-What?
-Both of them.

253
00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:44,589
-What the hell!
-Keep your hands to yourself.

254
00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:45,808
Huh?

255
00:12:47,723 --> 00:12:50,160
I swear, Henry, these
fingers never left my hands.

256
00:12:52,162 --> 00:12:55,078
Well, don't look at me.
I only fool around with girls.

257
00:12:55,122 --> 00:12:58,908
Will you sirs kindly mind?
It's Shirley Temple.

258
00:12:58,952 --> 00:13:00,997
She's not really
a kid, Radar.

259
00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:02,520
Her mother stunted
her growth,

260
00:13:02,564 --> 00:13:04,827
made her sleep
in a short bed and smoke.

261
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:07,787
-She's 42 years old.
-Aw! Please.

262
00:13:11,268 --> 00:13:13,183
-Heh!
-Heh!

263
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:18,275
[movie continues indistinctly]

264
00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:20,538
[chattering, shushing]

265
00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:24,151
Doctor? That patient
is hemorrhaging again.

266
00:13:24,194 --> 00:13:25,717
Oh, Lord.

267
00:13:25,761 --> 00:13:27,545
All right, let's go.

268
00:13:27,589 --> 00:13:29,634
KLINGER:
Excuse me. Pardon me, sir.

269
00:13:29,678 --> 00:13:32,159
-KLINGER: I'm sorry. Pardon me.
-MAN: Not you again?

270
00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:35,292
-[people chattering]
-Klinger, sit down!

271
00:13:35,336 --> 00:13:38,643
-Move it.
-This seat is taken.

272
00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:41,211
Oh, no, it isn't.
It's empty.

273
00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:43,561
Can you believe that guy?

274
00:13:43,605 --> 00:13:46,173
[people shouting,
indistinct]

275
00:13:51,265 --> 00:13:52,919
Hey! Break it up
back there!

276
00:13:52,962 --> 00:13:55,791
[all shouting]

277
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,925
[all cheering, applauding]

278
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:01,536
You can't
fight in here.

279
00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:03,625
MARGARET:
Can't somebody stop that?

280
00:14:03,668 --> 00:14:06,236
[all shouting]

281
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,412
MAN:
Hey, stop it! Break it up!

282
00:14:08,456 --> 00:14:10,240
MAN 2:
Knock it off!

283
00:14:10,284 --> 00:14:12,503
Come on! Knock it off!

284
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:20,381
-Now cut it out! Stop it!
-[explosions]

285
00:14:20,424 --> 00:14:22,383
Would you mind
holding it down?

286
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:23,950
I came all the way to Korea
to see this picture.

287
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,125
[explosions continue]

288
00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:28,432
They're shelling us!
Stop the film!

289
00:14:28,476 --> 00:14:30,739
-[people groaning]
-Well, we gotta take cover!

290
00:14:30,782 --> 00:14:33,307
Just where are we
gonna hide, Frank?

291
00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:35,222
We're stuck here with
our brass hanging out.

292
00:14:35,265 --> 00:14:38,051
-Brasses.
-Oh, right. Thank you.
Come on. Sit down.

293
00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:40,270
[engine running]

294
00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:54,981
See this, Henry?

295
00:14:55,024 --> 00:14:58,941
"First Annual Polly
Adler Birthday Cookout,
Picnic and Barbecue.

296
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:03,380
All proceeds to go
to Sister Teresa's
Korean Orphans'Fund."

297
00:15:03,424 --> 00:15:05,774
Forget it.

298
00:15:05,817 --> 00:15:07,863
Henry.
You did everything you could.

299
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,083
Yeah. Come on, Henry.
Loosen up. You'll have a ball.

300
00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:13,216
Yeah, that's just it.
Everybody unwinds,
has a good time.

301
00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:16,698
Then the war comes back,
and it's a real belly drop.

302
00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:18,787
Look, we need this.

303
00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:22,399
If we don't go crazy once
in a while, we'll all go crazy.

304
00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:30,103
♪♪ [drumming on metal cans]

305
00:16:12,188 --> 00:16:14,060
♪♪ [vocalizing]

306
00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:22,503
I missed you so much.
Oh, I love you, Judy.

307
00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:24,592
[kissing sounds]

308
00:16:24,635 --> 00:16:27,029
I came back because
I missed you, Judy.

309
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:30,902
WOMAN: Oh, I'm so glad
you came back, Punch.

310
00:16:30,946 --> 00:16:33,949
[giggling, laughing]

311
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:38,040
-[kissing sounds]
-PUNCH: I love you.
I miss you.

312
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:40,477
I love you, Judy.

313
00:16:40,521 --> 00:16:42,827
I love you. I miss you.

314
00:16:42,871 --> 00:16:46,179
-Oh, I love you.
-[kissing sounds]

315
00:16:46,222 --> 00:16:49,051
-I love you.
-Oh, that was just--

316
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:50,313
-[kissing sounds continue]
-Ah.

317
00:16:53,882 --> 00:16:56,102
Oh. This is lovely.
That's very nice. Lovely.

318
00:16:59,148 --> 00:17:01,281
I'm not doin' too great
for the orphans, Father.

319
00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:03,283
No? How much so far?

320
00:17:04,893 --> 00:17:07,200
Three nurses.
Three bucks.

321
00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:10,507
I could make more,
but you wouldn't believe
what they expect for a dollar.

322
00:17:10,551 --> 00:17:14,250
Oh. Well, do your best,
my, uh, my son.

323
00:17:14,294 --> 00:17:16,470
Thank you.

324
00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:20,213
Uh...

325
00:17:20,256 --> 00:17:22,084
Okay, you fill
the spoon with water.

326
00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:24,086
You take the water down
and put it in the glass.

327
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:26,436
And then you run back
with the spoon and give
the spoon to your partner.

328
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,439
Don't spill any water.
We don't want to make
Korea messy.

329
00:17:29,483 --> 00:17:31,398
-Ready?
-[all shouting]

330
00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:33,487
[laughing]

331
00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:36,881
[all cheering, shouting]

332
00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:39,101
[all chattering]

333
00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:52,027
HAWKEYE:
Come on, Sister!

334
00:17:56,205 --> 00:17:58,990
With a field like that,
Father, you can't lose.

335
00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:04,474
[cheering continues]

336
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:21,448
[cheering continues]

337
00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:28,237
WOMAN:
Go, go, go, go, go!

338
00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:34,939
[cheering continues]

339
00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:44,166
Go, Sister!
[laughing]

340
00:18:56,222 --> 00:18:59,442
[cheering continues]

341
00:19:14,283 --> 00:19:16,720
HAWKEYE:
Oh, Yeah! The winner!

342
00:19:16,764 --> 00:19:18,635
-Congratulations. [laughing]
-[all cheering]

343
00:19:23,336 --> 00:19:25,033
[chattering]

344
00:19:28,776 --> 00:19:30,256
I'm the bonus prize
for the winner.

345
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:31,866
I get the loser.

346
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:34,390
My father told me to
stay away from fast women.

347
00:19:37,654 --> 00:19:39,526
[shouting, indistinct]

348
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:03,811
You've been
avoiding me, Margaret.

349
00:20:03,854 --> 00:20:06,379
Actually, I've been
ignoring you, Frank.

350
00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:08,729
I'll get around
to avoiding you later.

351
00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:10,948
What is it, sugar?
Everyone else is
having such fun.

352
00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:12,863
I thought we could be
in the sack race together.

353
00:20:12,907 --> 00:20:15,823
You can forget about us
being in the sack race
for a while, Frank.

354
00:20:15,866 --> 00:20:17,433
And anytime you want,
you can pick up

355
00:20:17,477 --> 00:20:20,219
your bathing cap
and your chenille robe.

356
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:21,916
Margaret, what is it?

357
00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:25,136
I'll give you 240 guesses.

358
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:27,704
Oh, I get it.

359
00:20:27,748 --> 00:20:29,271
It's the money,
isn't it?

360
00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:31,752
You bet your clusters,
sweetie.

361
00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:34,145
Well, you wouldn't
really let money
come between us?

362
00:20:34,189 --> 00:20:36,322
I-- There--

363
00:20:36,365 --> 00:20:39,412
There is no us, Frank.
There's just me.

364
00:20:39,455 --> 00:20:40,891
The only us that
you're a part of

365
00:20:40,935 --> 00:20:44,286
is Mrs. Multi-Chin
Sensible Shoes.

366
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,462
Now blow!

367
00:20:46,506 --> 00:20:49,596
-[whistle blows]
-Go! Go! Go!

368
00:20:49,639 --> 00:20:52,294
[people shouting, cheering]

369
00:20:52,338 --> 00:20:55,297
I'll get it, Margaret.

370
00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:58,518
The money the 240.

371
00:20:58,561 --> 00:21:00,911
Really, Frank?
Honest, darling?

372
00:21:00,955 --> 00:21:02,565
-Do you mean it?
-That's what I said.

373
00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:04,045
Oh, Frank!

374
00:21:04,088 --> 00:21:05,699
[giggling] Oh, you
don't have to do that.

375
00:21:05,742 --> 00:21:08,267
-One thing I would like, though.
-Anything.

376
00:21:08,310 --> 00:21:10,791
When I give you the money,
if you could sign an I.O.U.

377
00:21:13,228 --> 00:21:15,535
Well, it's really
a good idea when you lend--

378
00:21:15,578 --> 00:21:17,624
An I.O.U. and some
mention of the interest?

379
00:21:19,408 --> 00:21:20,670
The interest?

380
00:21:20,714 --> 00:21:22,455
Yeah.
I thought five percent.

381
00:21:22,498 --> 00:21:25,240
Now, that's better than
you'd get at any bank.

382
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:27,111
[growling] Oh!
Frank Burns!

383
00:21:30,854 --> 00:21:33,248
-Frank!
-[whimpering]

384
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,206
Oh! Oh!

385
00:21:35,250 --> 00:21:38,514
[cheering, whistling]

386
00:21:42,344 --> 00:21:45,347
[cheering]

387
00:21:46,479 --> 00:21:49,220
[all chattering]

388
00:21:49,264 --> 00:21:51,310
[whistle blows]

389
00:21:51,353 --> 00:21:54,008
First prize has been
graciously donated

390
00:21:54,051 --> 00:21:57,228
by Corporal Max Klinger.

391
00:21:57,272 --> 00:22:00,319
[all cheering, applauding]

392
00:22:02,495 --> 00:22:06,194
He always wanted
a double-barreled slingshot.

393
00:22:06,237 --> 00:22:09,371
Come on, Henry.
Loosen up a little
and have some fun.

394
00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:11,460
-Come on, grab the rope.
-All right, I'll grab the rope.

395
00:22:11,504 --> 00:22:13,114
Get in here,
Hawk.

396
00:22:13,157 --> 00:22:14,768
-Oh!
-Hey, hey!

397
00:22:19,207 --> 00:22:21,252
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Who figured out this linuep?

398
00:22:21,296 --> 00:22:23,342
It's by rank, Henry.

399
00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:26,823
Uh-huh, except for
the old Illini anchorman.

400
00:22:26,867 --> 00:22:28,956
[laughing]

401
00:22:28,999 --> 00:22:32,307
It's good for your complexion.
Come on.

402
00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:33,787
All right.
Let 'er rip!

403
00:22:35,745 --> 00:22:38,357
-[whistle blows]
-[all shouting]

404
00:22:45,407 --> 00:22:47,366
Who turned out the lights?

405
00:22:57,158 --> 00:22:59,073
Hey!

406
00:23:20,486 --> 00:23:22,662
-Get Henry!
-Come on in, Henry!

407
00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:26,927
[all laughing]

408
00:23:34,195 --> 00:23:36,676
[laughing dies down]

409
00:23:39,809 --> 00:23:41,855
Choppers.

410
00:23:41,898 --> 00:23:44,771
[helicopters approaching]

411
00:23:50,341 --> 00:23:52,256
RADAR:
Choppers!

412
00:23:53,954 --> 00:23:55,912
Choppers!

413
00:24:11,493 --> 00:24:13,016
[operating room chatter]

414
00:24:13,060 --> 00:24:14,757
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention.

415
00:24:14,801 --> 00:24:16,411
For all personnel
too busy in the O.R.,

416
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:18,805
here is the latest
from the bulletin board.

417
00:24:18,848 --> 00:24:22,330
Armed Forces Radio announces
that Clark Gable is divorcing

418
00:24:22,373 --> 00:24:25,246
Lady Sylvia Ashley.

419
00:24:25,289 --> 00:24:29,076
And Sergeant Morrie Mandel
announces he is divorcing
his Sylvia.

420
00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:33,167
In Washington,
Republican candidate
Dwight Eisenhower said

421
00:24:33,210 --> 00:24:35,648
if he's elected,
he'll go to Korea.

422
00:24:35,691 --> 00:24:38,172
HAWKEYE: That's what
I call a sore winner.

423
00:24:38,215 --> 00:24:40,348
H.Q. in Seoul announces that

424
00:24:40,391 --> 00:24:42,568
the ammunition shortage
continues to be very severe.

425
00:24:42,611 --> 00:24:44,657
TRAPPER:
We got no shortages here.

426
00:24:44,700 --> 00:24:46,920
Heavy fighting will
go on in our sector,

427
00:24:46,963 --> 00:24:50,314
and we can expect casualties
for the next 72 hours.

428
00:24:50,358 --> 00:24:52,534
-HENRY: Pierce?
-Yes, Henry?

429
00:24:52,578 --> 00:24:55,102
Good idea,
that picnic.

430
00:24:55,145 --> 00:24:56,669
Yes, Henry.

431
00:25:05,547 --> 00:25:07,114
♪♪ [theme]